Curation + Inspiration

I was listening to my local NPR station yesterday and heard about the recent trend of Tweens posting YouTube videos to ask “Am I Pretty or Ugly?”

The station played an audio clip of a young girl pleading for someone to tell her if she’s pretty or not because her friends say she isn’t and she doesn’t really feel pretty but, like, she doesn’t really feel ugly either, and like, she wants to know if she’s, like, pretty, you know, because she has really low self-esteem and she wants to feel better around herself, like, you know?

And with my heart breaking, I wanted to just hug her and say, Sweetheart, asking a bunch of strangers online if you’re pretty is NOT the way to raise your self-esteem!

I wanted to tell her that You already have EVERYTHING you need inside you. You are already PRETTY ENOUGH.  You are already GOOD ENOUGH. You are already MAGNIFICENT!

And I wanted to explain that you raise your self-esteem and start believing in yourself by DOING something that helps someone else. Or by trying something, maybe failing or falling short of your goal, but then picking yourself up, practicing and learning more, and then trying again and doing better than you did the first time.

I wanted to shout to her, You don’t have to be the prettiest, the thinnest, the smartest, the fastest or the best-est of anything to feel good about who YOU are. YOU are enough. Right now. Today.

Which doesn’t mean you give up and settle for how good you are today. You keep learning, growing, improving and changing every day of your life. But YOU, right here and right now, are magnificent just the way you are.

SELF-ESTEEM is about valuing and respecting yourself both INSIDE and OUT.

And with DoSomething.org reporting that 7 out of 10 girls believe they’re not good enough or don’t measure up in some way, we have an epidemic on our hands that simply must be addressed.

It’s why I’m so obsessed with bringing my style message to the masses.

Because you have to dress like YOU, from the inside-out, and not try to dress from the outside-in via all the messages from the media and popular culture. If you try to do that, you are inevitably gonna feel like you don’t measure up because no one can look like Angelina Jolie in that Oscar gown except Angelina Jolie.

So here are my tips for raising a daughter who has high self-esteem (and I should mention that I was lucky enough to raise my own daughter before the rise of social media and cell phones which has made this job infinitely more challenging):

1. Start with YOU. That’s right, I’m talking to you, Mom. What kind of comments are you making about beauty, weight, body size, or dress around your daughter and what kind of behavior are you modeling? Overhearing Mom on the phone gossiping about how ridiculous Susan looked in what she wore to the business dinner or seeing Mom self-conscious about the size of her own thighs in a bathing suit or watching Mom obsess about her own weight or wrinkles only adds to the problem.

2. Praise properly. 34% of girls with low self-esteem feel like they’re not a good enough daughter. So in addition to praising her worthy actions, be sure to let your daughter know how wonderful you think she is early and often. Not because she’s pretty or smart or fast but just because. Let her know that you see beauty and greatness in her even when she can’t see it in herself. And remind her that being pretty and being beautiful are completely different. Pretty is something that happens on the outside. Beautiful happens on the inside.

3. Let her fail. Instead of interceding and coming to her rescue, let her fail once in a while. Today it seems everyone gets a trophy or wins a ribbon. But failing, and realizing it’s not the end of the world and that you can pick yourself up and try again, is part of what builds healthy self-esteem. Yes, it will break your heart to see your daughter hurting, but only because it brings up memories of when you failed in your life. But it was that failure that helped you get where you are today so give your daughter the same gift.

4. Watch TV together. I thank the heavens for Beverly Hills 90210. My daughter and I watched that show together and it prompted great conversations about what the characters were going through, what was realistic and what wasn’t, and how they might have handled the situations differently. We talked about how everyone feels like they don’t fit in at some point. How even the pretty and popular kids sometimes have doubts about themselves. How it’s normal to feel like you’re not enough sometimes but it’s just a feeling and YOU control your feelings. So what media is your daughter consuming? Do you even know? How can you engage with her about it?

5. Encourage positive self-talk. 61% of girls with low self-esteem admit to talking bad to themselves about themselves. And we all know how easy it is to get carried away in a downward spiral of pitying self-talk. So make sure you nip any self-defeating comments that you hear from your daughter IMMEDIATELY. “This outfit sucks!” “I look so fat in this!” “Everybody’s prettier than me!” It’s your job to stop these comments in their tracks and suggest alternatives to replace them.

6. Find positive role models. Ask kids today what they want to be when they grow up and most of them will say they want to be famous. But the actors and actresses they admire, even performers like Lady Gaga, are playing roles. They’re famous for pretending to be who they aren’t! It’s far better to introduce your daughters to female role models who have become more of WHO THEY ARE. There are women who have excelled in every area of life — politics, science, the arts, business, philanthropy, sports. So who are you allowing to be your daughter’s heroes? And how can you help her see that SHE can be her very OWN HERO?

As you can imagine, when Tweens post their Pretty or Ugly requests on YouTube, they receive horrifying replies from the masses mixed in with the supportive responses. Parents who learn about the videos are often surprised or shocked or horrified to find out about the posts. And while YouTube has a minimum age to post videos, as a parent, it’s ultimately your responsibility to ensure that your daughter never needs to ask “Am I Pretty or Ugly?” to a bunch of internet strangers.

Of course, if we ask that same question “Am I Pretty or Ugly?” about today’s VPOD, I think the survey results would sway on the side of pretty.

This vintage 1950s batik sundress by Frank Starr has a eye-catching print and plenty of fashion self-esteem.

It’s a very pretty find for a Vintage Crusader.

Available at Traven7.

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